Raelin locked the door behind her and threw her keys into the bowl next to the entrance. Her coat was hung on the coat rack and her shoes she slipped off before her socked feet tred on the spotless white carpet. Her flat was clean, spotless actually, since she was alone all the time and had so much free time on her hands she had cleaned the apartment from top to bottom and gotten rid of most of the personal belongings. To be in Raelin's loft was to vist a very homey hotel room.
There were some pictures and records lay dishevled in one part of the room where her record player was, but for the most part, the loft was devoid of such things as nickknacks and toys. After dinner with Danae that night Raelin felt more aware of her insecurities. At least Danae was smart and cute and nice, she had a chance at snagging anyone she could possibly want. Raelin was a dried up hulk of what used to be a human being.
Everyone praised her and said that she was so strong and so noble, and ever so beautiful. None of those things mattered to her. She'd suffered enough in her short life and people only sought to lay the blame somewhere else. Bottom line was that her luck sucked, just like her life, just like her job, just like everything else.
She walked into her closet and methodically began to undress herself. Her socks, slacks, shirt and unmentionables all went into the dirty cloths hamper. As she rummaged around trying to find a nightgown she remembered the shirt she wanted to wear tomorrow. She turned to the closet to complete this small task, vowing to sleep once she was properly dressed for bed.
As her hand reached in to get the shirt, her fingers brushed over a pile of cloth she hadn't noticed before. She dragged it out slowly and her face paled as she realized what it was. It was one of Drake's old shirts, why was it still here? She thought she'd gone through everything! She must have forgotten about it in there. Slowly she moved to be rid of it but her body was acting on it's own. Soon she was dressed in the oxford shirt and it was buttoned and she was crawling into bed, wearing it.
It still smelled like him...just a little, the arms were a tad long so she lifted the wrinkled fabric to her nose and inhaled what she had left of him. The only thing she could have now was a long forgotten scent on a shirt that had survived her purging. Hot tears prickled her eyes and cascaded down her face. Soon, full fledged sobs racked her body as she let herself just wallow in her self pity. It was all her fault, she should have just ran away in the beginning, not banished Drake away from her.
And again, she should have stayed with him instead of going back, but it had to be done and it had spelled their doom. This was all she had left, this was all she'd ever have from this point on. It wasn't fair for her to expect him to wait for her when she'd never be able to come to him. Besides, she would eventually die while Alike and him would be able to carry on a normal and happy life. Even if things had worked out just that thought alone would have been enough to make her end their relationship again.
She laid down on her side of the bed and clutched the cool fabric of the pillow to her face as she sobbed her black heart out. Thousands of thoughts ran through her head, none of them wishes, she had learned long ago that wishes were dangerous, wishing brought pain and the one wish she wanted granted could never be. Her sobs quieted and were replaced by soft snoring as she clutched the pillow desperatly for dear life.
She didn't want much out of life, really she didn't. She didn't want fame or fortune, she didn't even want to be the best investigator MSI has ever seen, she just wanted someone to come home to, someone to put up with her shit and rip down every damn wall she'd erected to protect herself. She wanted someone to love her and someone she could love back. She wanted to ditch these insecurities and just get on with her life. As a single tear tracked it's way down her pale cheek she took a deep breath, shuddered and lay quietly in sleep.