I stared at her from across the picnic table. It felt like we were a hundred miles apart. We were here together, but our thoughts kept us from each other. She traced a slender finger over the wood grain. Look at me, I thought, please look at me.
After a few moments had passed uncomfortably, it became evident that she was going to meet my eyes. We both waited in tense, awkward silence, wondering who would break the standstill first. I could feel the tears starting to build behind my eyes. I’d blown it.
I decided to get it all over with. “Please Lena,” I pleaded, “Say something. Anything.” She brought her eyes to mine.
“What do you want me to say Jessica?” She asked. She never called me by my full name. What did I want her to say?
“Say anything you want. Yell at me. Tell me how awful I am. Scream, rage, beat me, I deserve it. But please baby, tell me you’ll forgive me. Take me back.”
Tears were making her eyes shiny. She shook her head slowly. “I can’t. I ---- ,” Her voice broke, and she stood up from the table, turning her back on me. I wanted to rush around the table and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to protect her from all the hurt and pain, but I was the very one who had caused it. I stayed seated, as she collected herself. “Please?” I whispered.
She turned, finally unleashing the fury that had been simmering right below the surface. “You cheated on me!” She screamed, stalking over to the table and climbing up onto her seat. She leaned over the table edge; bringing her face centimeters from mine.
If we weren’t breaking up I would have kissed her. “You cheated on me,” She said, her voice a dangerous whisper, “with Him.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know the right thing to do. “What? Were you just playing me?” She asked, “Everything we’ve been through and it’s all just a big fucking joke!”
I cupped her face in my hands. “No, no baby. It was never a joke. Not a single moment was a joke. I loved you. I still do. I always will.” Her hot tears trailed down my hands. I could feel her shaking. I brought my mouth to hers. “Please,” I said against her lips.
She pulled away from me, sitting back down on the bench. She wiped the tears from her face. “Why?” She said. “Why did you do it?” She drilled her eyes into me. I didn’t know what to tell her.
“I don’t know.” I said.
“Wrong answer.”
“I was confused.” I tried again.
“So, you’re Bi now?” She spat.
“No! No, that’s not what I mean. It was different with him.” Her hands flew to her ears.
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“You don’t understand.” I said, “Nothing is ever as amazing as being with you.”
“You always had a way with words, your sweet words. “I want to possess you completely -Your jade body, and your promised heart.”” She quoted the poem I’d given her. “Well your words can’t fix this one Jessica.” She turned and walked away. I buried my head in my arms and cried.