It’s been almost a year since my boyfriend Craig Mathews died. A year this week. One year since he was killed in the car crash. The same car crash that left me in the hospital for three months, recuperating, and still having to support myself with crutches. 365 days since my world fell apart around me.
I squinted into the darkness of my small room. I rolled over and checked the digital clock. Two AM. The feeling was there again. A feeling I wasn’t quite sure of. A feeling I didn’t know the meaning of.
Craig was here.
I’m not one to believe in ghosts, but there is no other way to describe what I was feeling. Craig was here. In the darkness there were so many shapes. I turned on the lamp beside my bed and chased away the darkness. Shadows danced across my wall. They burned like faded flames and then died away. The creepy feeling went around in my head.
“Craig?” I whispered his name, fearing my family would hear me. A cold breeze came through my window then, shaking the slivers on my wind chime. The wind chime Craig gave me.
I jumped. I didn’t know which scared me more, the fact that I knew Craig was here with me, or the fact that he was there. I got up from the bed then, groping for my crutches. I hobbled across the room, and slammed the window shut, leaning my forehead against the glass pane for a moment. This July had been one for the records. Our house had no air conditioning and I’d taken to sleeping with the windows open. Craig never seemed to mind the heat.
This was crazy, what was I thinking, Craig wasn’t here. I knew that. God knows I talked to enough counselors about grief.
“Grieving is a process with many stages. It takes time. It’s natural to hurt, to want to believe that Craig is still here, but Abigail, you’ve got to move on.” I could quote them in my sleep.
I stared out my window, and gazed down at the dark lawn below me. There was a sound, almost a whisper, in my ear. Not so much words I could understand, but it was still a whisper. I spun around, my crutches slipping on my old wooden floor. I lost my balance and fell to the floor with a crash.
My family was at my door in seconds. “What’s going on?” My stepfather asked. Billy, my stepbrother looked over his shoulder, and then after a moment, stepped inside the room and helped me climb to my feet. It took a lot of willpower to let him touch me, to let him help me up. Things have not always been...right between Billy and I.
“I’m fine.” I said, masking my face with a fake smile. After a while, I convinced everyone to go back to bed. Slowly, they filed out of the room. I laid myself down on the bed and was just about to close my eyes, when my mom reappeared in the doorway. “Abigail, sweetie.” She said, “Are you sure you’re okay? I know this time of year is bound to be hard on you. I’m sure it’s bringing up some bad memories and---“
“I’m fine Mom!” I cut her off sharply, and then because of the hurt look she gave me, I granted her a real smile. “Promise.” I said. My mom ran her hand through my hair, pushing my bangs back off my face. She cupped my head in her hands and stared into my eyes. After a moment, I looked away. It was as if she could see into my soul, and I’m not sure I wanted her to know what was there.
After a moment, she kissed my cheek and left the room. I turned off the light and lay awake in the dark, thinking. I was just about to fall asleep when I felt something touch me. It was as if someone was trailing their fingers through my hair, just the way Craig use to.
I was wide awake in an instant. I turned on the light once more. “Who’s there?” I asked softly. Nothing. No one answered. After a few moments I turned the light back off and lay my head down on my pillow.
I thought about what my mom had said. She was right, this week had me thinking about a lot of things. It did bring up a lot of bad memories. Around this time last year my mom and step-dad were getting married, an idea I hated. We all moved into a new house. Me, Mom, Frank, my stepdad...and Billy. It was actually the night of the dress rehearsal that the car accident happened.
I remembered, Craig was there, at the church with me. He was walking me down the isle. I was my mom’s maid of honor. Billy had been there too. I remembered the looks of hatred he sent me.
My thoughts went then to what had happened earlier that day, but I pushed them away. Back inside my head where they belonged, where they could never come out. I thought of after the dress rehearsal. Craig and I had gone for a drive. Out to supper, at some tiny diner in the next town. I was angry; furious because my mom was marrying Frank. I didn’t want someone to take the place of my dad. Craig listened to me rage as we drove.
The sky was gray and matched my mood perfectly. It had rained while we were inside the church and the roads were slick with water. Craig took a curve in the road. Too fast. It all happened too fast. I remember him slamming so hard on the brakes, but nothing ever happened. We never slowed down, and then...
Right before I drifted off to sleep I heard my wind chime sing. It wasn’t till morning that I realized I’d closed my window. There shouldn’t have been any wind.
* * * * *
I made my way into the kitchen for breakfast. I was exhausted. I had not slept well the rest of the night. I kept dreaming of Craig, the accident, and last year. I laid my crutches down near my chair and reached for a piece of toast. I was covering it with strawberry jam when Billy walked in. He took a seat next to me and poured himself a glass of orange juice.
“What are your plans for the day?” Frank asked us all. My mom told him she was going to be in her studio all day painting. My mom is an artist and she works in the loft above our garage. Billy said he would be mowing lawns all day. It was his summer job. I planned to spend some time getting through my summer reading list.
After breakfast everyone went their separate ways. I headed out to the patio with Jane Eyre in hand. I wasn’t very far into the book. I had just gotten to the part where Jane, a young girl, is convinced she sees a ghost. I stopped, and laid down the book, thinking about what happened last night. I thought about my dream.
In my dream I was standing in the cemetery. I was at Craig’s gravestone. All of a sudden I saw an image of the car, the one we had the accident in. Then I heard Craig whisper, “They were cut. They were cut.” I didn’t understand. It didn’t make any sense. I thought about the dress rehearsal. Walking so stiffly down the isle, while Craig poked me in the side, trying to get me to smile, and how much trouble I had walking in my high heel shoes. I thought about Billy looking mad enough to kill.
“Hey stranger, how’s the book?”
I jumped. It was Billy. Sweat was covering his gray T-shirt. He wiped his forehead on the back of his hand. I looked at my wristwatch. I hadn’t realized so much time had passed. I looked around uncomfortably. I didn’t like to be alone with Billy if I could help it. “God it’s hot out here!” Billy said. He started to pull his shirt over his head. He stopped when he saw me looking.
He reached out his hand and involuntarily I pulled back, but he merely reached for my book. He flipped it over and read the back. “Do you like it?” He asked after scanning the summary. I nodded and struggled to stand. The stupid leg injury made everything so hard!
Billy saw I was having trouble and put his hand on my arm. “I’ve got it!” I snapped, jerking away. Then, swinging my crutches as fast as I could I hurried to my room and left Billy sitting on the patio alone.
That night I stared across my dark room. The feeling was there again. Was I imagining all this? Was I losing my mind? “Craig?” I whispered softly, “Are you here?” My wind chime had awakened me. Now that I was fully awake, the chimes swayed softly, but not enough to make noise. I could shake off the feeling. There was someone else in my room with me. It wasn’t threatening though. They were just there.
I laid awake for hours, staring into the darkness; searching for answer to questions I didn’t even know were being asked. Just before I drifted off I heard a voice whisper, “They were cut Abby.” But I couldn’t fight sleep any longer. I drifted off into unconsciousness.
The next morning I looked across the table at my mom. “I want to visit Craig today.” I said. This was it, the one year anniversary. My eyes felt strangely dry, like I couldn’t have cried if I wanted to.
“Oh honey,” My mom said, “I’m so sorry. I just don’t know if I ‘m going to have time to bring you out today. I’ve got a shipment of supplies coming, I promised Teddy that I’d get some prints over to the shop and Rita called in sick. I just don’t—“
“Mom,” I cut in, gripping my crutches tight to keep from screaming. “All I’m asking for is one hour.” I said through clenched teeth. My mom looked helpless. She turned to Frank for help. He looked up from his newspaper. “I would,” He said, “but the way they’re laying off people down at the office I can’t afford to miss my meeting or I might get cut.”
That word. What did my dream mean? I buried my head in my arms feeling overwhelmed. Softly, I heard, “I’ll take you.” I didn’t reply. I stared with my mouth open, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. Billy repeated again, “I’ll take you.”
What was I suppose to do? After fight so hard I couldn’t very well say no right in front of my mom and Frank. Could I? I sat tensely in the front seat of Billy’s beat up car. We drove in silence for a while. I gripped the car seat tightly, and kept fidgeting with my seat belt. Finally, we made it to the graveyard. Billy got out first and took my crutches from the backseat. Then he walked around to the other side and helped me out. I hobbled over to Craig’s grave. I knew right where it was. I had been in the hospital when they had the funeral. I ran my hands over the white marble, and traced the inscription on the stone.
“You hate me, don’t you.” The words caught me off guard. It was not a question. I turned to look at Billy. They were cut! The whisper was right there. It was urgent. I was surprised Billy didn’t seem to hear it.
“What?” I asked.
“You hate me, don’t you.” Billy repeated, “For last year.” He said. He didn’t wait for me to reply. Suddenly, he was looking at me with a sneer on his face, and a malicious light came into his eyes. “That doesn’t matter thought, because now you’re all alone. No one’s here to help you now.”
Memories of last year hit me with full force. All of a sudden it was like I was living it again. “Abigail, come here a minute.” Billy said. He took my hand and pulled me off into one of the Sunday school classrooms. We were waiting around for the dress rehearsal to start. I ducked into the colorful room. “What up?” I asked. He was on me before I could react. He was kissing my skin, and touching my hair, pulling at my clothes.
“Billy! Stop it! Are you crazy?! STOP!” Craig walked into the room then. Billy stopped.
“Abby, go wait outside.” Craig said. I listened. When the two boys exited the room a few minutes later, Billy looked mad enough to kill. He stalked down the hallway, leaving Craig and I alone. “Are you alright?” Craig asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I nodded, “Don’t tell anyone about this. Okay? It’s just embarrassing.” I asked. It took a little pleading but Craig finally agreed. Billy always had a little crush on my. I figured it would go away one he realized our parents were getting married.
“You’re all alone.” Billy repeated, bringing me back to the present. “I’ve always loved you. You know that, don’t you?” He took a step towards me. I rocked back on my crutches, away from him. They were cut! The voice was there again, louder this time.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“You.” Billy replied in a voice that sent shudders down my spine. He glared, “That stupid boyfriend of yours was always getting in the way of things.” Did he realize what he was saying? I had a boyfriend. He was going to be my stepbrother. He couldn’t love me the way he said he did. It wasn’t right! “That day in the church last year. I waited so long for the right time to get you alone. I figured a wedding rehearsal would be the perfect place. It’s romantic. Love is in the air, right? I knew you’d realize you felt the same way about me...but that stupid boyfriend of your walked in and ruined it all!”
Billy was getting angry. “But he’s not here anymore. He’s dead, and you’re all alone.” Billy smiled. “He’s dead.”
“What do you know about it?” I asked, gripping my crutches so tight my hands hurt.
Billy laughed, “I know more then you think. Why do you think the car didn’t slow down?” They were cut! The voice came this time louder then ever. “You cut the brakes!” I said in horror, realizing. Billy nodded.
“Served the loser right.” He said.
I flew at him, trying to hit him with my crutch, “You killed Craig! I hate you! You killed him!” Billy pulled my crutches from my grasp, causing me to fall against him. I pounded my fits against his chest, barely realizing what I was doing. White hot spasms of pain shot up my leg from being forced to carrying my full weight for the first time in months.
Billy grinned and grabbed my wrists, stopping my attack. He pulled me close to him. His face was inches from mine. “No one will believe you. You can’t prove it.” He lowered his mouth towards mine. I spit in his face.
“Witch!” Billy screamed, throwing me to the ground. He raised his foot to kick me. I screamed. Just then a cold wind blew through the yard. I heard the music of a wind chime coming from far away. The pain in my leg hurt so much. I was dizzy and everything was starting to go black.
“Leave her alone!” A voice shouted. I turned and nearly fainted. From behind a tree walked Craig...no, not Craig. It was his father, here visiting on the anniversary, just like I was. I was alright. Everything was going to be okay. Just before I lost consciences I heard a voice whisper, “I love you Abby.” The sound of wind chimes followed me into the darkness.
THE END