Prologue
There was pin-drop silence within the city. Everybody (including pesky kids and partying teenagers) was resting their lazy bodies after a hectic schedule in their respective places of work. Nobody was awake in the city {except for bats, owls, and goons of course (and someone else.)}. Everyone was building castles in the sky. Some were having nightmarish and frightening dreams, while some were having nice and pleasant ones—whatever might be the case, nobody wanted the daily shaft of light to crash on their beds in the morning and disturb them (except for someone). No house had their lights on. Complete darkness sheltered the city. It had a stroke of mystery (and the extraordinary). The city was as lifeless as a cemetery.
However, the farthest corner of the city was not as peaceful as rest of the city. The old and ‘in ruins’ cottage (which needed an immediate clean-up) was filled with the noise of small explosions, screams of the witch in delight and that of the mythical creatures (which the witch had caught a century ago), bubbling of potions, tossing of amulets and mythical creatures into the big cauldron and the throwing of heavy, thick books here and there. However, the neighbors did not have any difficulty with it as the next-door-folks had got used to it and today a sleeping charm was put on them to ensure absolute privacy because today was no ordinary day for her.
The witch’s eyes had turned crimson with no sleep for a century. She tirelessly kept on stirring the hot, bubbling potion (which was bubbling without any heat) with her pudgy, greenish hands. And most astonishingly, a wicked smile was always curled up in her face. And there was a very special reason for it…
A very special goal, which she had been striving towards for a century, was going to be achieved. “Hee! Hee! Hee! Now only twenty-four hours left for my potion to be ready! Finally, it will be ready, and it will come true! Finally, the potion will be ready! Finally our dream will come true!” she murmured to herself as she poured enchantment liquors into the cauldron, carefully, as she wanted nothing to go amiss. The colors of the potion changed erratically as the witch’s evil grin broadened increasingly.
“This is the greatest potion ever prepared by a witch in this era! It will give me the ultimate power! Ha! Ha! Ha!” she chortled greedily, “Now ‘we’ the witches will take our revenge against those stinky angels and G-o-d! He had punished us a century ago by taking away our powers and sending us on this yucky-yucky Earth, in the form of normal human beings! I still remember the hardships we had to face! Those stupid humans have such bad ways of speaking to people! And some of them are too good—just like G-o-d. Yuck! I feel so angry, frustrated, mad, irritated, fuming, livid, heated, cross, incensed, enraged, upset, outraged, furious, displeased, provoked, annoyed, inflamed, awful!
“ Oh! I cannot express my feelings for that awful, terrible, dreadful, wicked, evil, ruthless, merciless, nasty, mean, pitiless, unpleasant, heartless, and unkind GOD! Oh! I don’t feel like taking his name! Now I have to wait for twenty-four hours only! Then I shall become the most powerful, most powerful, more powerful than the most powerful—capable of controlling Hell, Heaven and Earth all at the same time! I shall become the more powerful than G-o-d even! The cosmos will be in my grasp! Ha! Ha!” she told herself and then got up from her chair (with great difficulty after a century) and looked outside the window to see if anyone was spying on her (or she would turn him into a toad).
Then she again started fantasizing to herself. The witch had not talked to anyone for ages (not even her witch friends), and felt very lonely and that is why her favorite pastime was murmuring to herself. “Thanks to those stupid, dim-witted angels that they buried my books and magic stuff. And a larger thanks to those devils for telling me the remedy of this potion and for letting me have the pleasure of devouring them! Ha! Ha! Ha!
“Oh! I am just so intelligent to outwit them! If only I could have eaten human brains before attacking heaven, we wouldn’t have been punished like that! Anyway now I am much more powerful! And I will even have the power of making God my slave!
“Yes! When I will become the master of this universe, I will firstly destroy these stupid human beings (G-o-d’s dumbest creation) for treating me badly, for chasing me out of their village, for making fun of my looks! I will not spare them! The very evil humans will only survive! Then I will turn those angels into pigs or they can be my slaves. And God will be punished! He will get the worst punishment he could have ever thought of! I will snatch all their powers and I will destroy Heaven! I will free all the evil souls trapped in Hell! And I will put all the good souls in Hell! I will create my own wicked world and keep dumb devils there. Then I can have fun watching them quarrel for no reason! M-m-m…Then maybe I will create my own witch kingdom where I can live with my evil witch friends! Hee! Hee! Hee! I will be so happy and satisfied! My witch friends will be soooo proud of me! But I think I’ll just take their powers and destroy them too. As they can’t be trusted!” she told herself as she forcefully threw a holy animal into the cauldron.
She was now relieved. The process of making the potion had been all right. Now she had to wait for twenty-three hours only. It was the witch’s most delightful moment of her life! “Finally I will be rewarded for all the hard work! I will be rewarded! Ha! Ha!” she thought as she hummed bizarre tunes, gobbled lizards and spiders and happily boogied, trying to make her bones more flexible, and waiting for the potion to react….
Hm. I really enjoyed the introduction. however, the plotline threw me off. the witch thing wouldve been ok, but the yuckyucky Earth stuff was sort of off for me.
Just a little bit of constructive criticism (it's all right, I'm a new member too):
First and foremost: that first sentence, "There was pin-drop silence within the city," just does not work. "Complete silence lay over the city," or even, "The city lay in utter silence," might work, but saying that there was silence within the city sounds a bit iffy. Using "pin-drop" as an adjective doesn't help very much either.
Now for the next two sentences: "Everybody (including pesky kids and partying teenagers) was resting their lazy bodies after a hectic schedule in their respective places of work. Nobody was awake in the city {except for bats, owls, and goons of course (and someone else.)}" Really, the major problem with the second sentence (the one with the partying teenagers) is too many adjectives. Take out everything about the pesky kids and teenagers, the lazy, the hectic, and the respective, and you'll have a better start.
The third sentence has two problems: 1.) It's completely unnessecary (didn't you tell us everyone was resting in the last sentence?), and 2.) It's more of ramble. Yes, we know that if it is night, owls and bats are going to be out. The "someone else" was a good try at creating suspense, but it is still painfully weak. If you wanted to create a suspenseful atmosphere, why did you start off by telling us that everyone is asleep?
You pick up the sleeping thing again in the next sentence, with ,"Everyone was building castles in the sky." A good metaphor, but it's in the wrong place...and with too many everyone's, everybody's, and nobody's around it. Find some different words, rearrange a few sentences, take out a few sentences, forget about adjectives (or, at least, the excessive use of them), and parentheses. You seemed to have repeated the same mistakes several times throughout the piece. Here's an outline of the rest:
"Some were having nightmarish and frightening dreams(Nightmarish and frightening? Try to refrain from using so many adjectives...just choose one to describe their dreams), while some were having nice and pleasant ones (Only one adjective!)—whatever might be the case, (Suggestion: whatever the case may be) nobody wanted the daily shaft of light to crash on their beds in the morning and disturb them (except for someone)(Note: Parentheses are never a good place to build suspense, and as for the thing about morning...I know you're saying that everyone wants to get some sleep except for the crazy witch lady who will become an evil overlord (I think) in the morning, but 1.) Too many adjectives, and, 2.) It doesn't work. It just doesn't). No house had their lights on (Isn't that sort of obvious?). Complete darkness sheltered the city. (Because everyone's lights were off...why not combine those last two sentences? It had a stroke of mystery (and the extraordinary)(What is it?). The city was as lifeless as a cemetery (Yes, we know that everyone is asleep, you can move on now).
"However, (Good, a transition...but not a good transition. What are you comparing the farthest corner of the city too?) the farthest corner of the city was not as peaceful as rest of the city (Wait, I thought you said the entire city was asleep...except for Someone). The old and ‘in ruins’ (Suggestion: 'The dilapidated cottage') cottage (which needed an immediate clean-up) (Isn't that obvious? And doesn't that little tid-bit sound completely out of place?) was filled with the noise of small explosions, screams of the witch (WAIT!!! We don't know there is a witch yet!!!) in delight and that of the mythical creatures (which the witch had caught a century ago), bubbling of potions, tossing of amulets and mythical creatures into the big cauldron and the throwing of heavy, thick books here and there (Wait... 1.) Too many adjectives, 2.) You need to explain some things...how are your readers supposed to know what's going on?, 3.) The setting is completely unclear, 4.) Too many words. By the time I got halfway through that sentence, I forgot how it began.). However, the neighbors did not have any difficulty with it as the next-door-folks had got (Aak! Don't use 'got'!) used to it and today a sleeping charm was put on them to ensure absolute privacy because today was no ordinary day for her (Wait...who's 'her'? Oh, and you seriously need to shorten that sentence. I didn't understand a word of it, but the one thing I do know is that it sounds wrong. Why do the neighbors need a sleeping potion if they've already gotten used to it? And why is this no ordinary day for her if she does this every day (you did say the neighbors were used to it.)).
"The witch’s eyes had turned crimson with no sleep for a century Try this: A hundred years without sleep colored the witch's eyes crimson (or something like that, just don't use 'with no sleep for a century') . She tirelessly kept on (Aak! Don't use 'kept on.' That's lazy writing.) stirring the hot, bubbling potion (which was bubbling without any heat) (Why did we need to know it was bubbling without heat?) with her pudgy, greenish hands. And most astonishingly, a wicked smile was always curled up in her face (How do we know a wicked smile is ALWAYS on her face...we've only been here a few seconds. And why is it remarkable?). And there was a very special reason for it…
A very special goal, which she had been striving towards for a century, was going to be achieved. “Hee! Hee! Hee! Now only twenty-four hours left for my potion to be ready! Finally, it will be ready, and it will come true (Hmm...I didn't know potions could come true)! Finally, the potion will be ready! (Yes, we know the potion is about to be ready...move on.) Finally our dream will come true!” she murmured to herself as she poured enchantment liquors into the cauldron, carefully, as she wanted nothing to go amiss. The colors of the potion changed erratically as the witch’s evil grin broadened increasingly.
"“This is the greatest potion ever prepared by a witch in this era! It will give me the ultimate power! Ha! Ha! Ha!” (Oh no, the villain is monologuing! Baaaaaaaaad idea.) she chortled greedily, “Now ‘we’ (Who's we?) the witches will take our revenge against those stinky angels and G-o-d! He had punished us a century ago by taking away our powers and sending us on this yucky-yucky Earth, in the form of normal human beings! I still remember the hardships we had to face! Those stupid humans have such bad ways of speaking to people! And some of them are too good—just like G-o-d. Yuck! I feel so angry, frustrated, mad, irritated, fuming, livid, heated, cross, incensed, enraged, upset, outraged, furious, displeased, provoked, annoyed, inflamed, awful! (Close the thesaurus, please. There are other ways of expressing anger besides using lots of synonyms of 'angry!' And you're monologuing too...baaaaaaaaaad idea.)
"“ Oh! I cannot express my feelings for that awful, terrible, dreadful, wicked, evil, ruthless, merciless, nasty, mean, pitiless, unpleasant, heartless, and unkind GOD (Okay, she hates God, move on.)! Oh! I don’t feel like taking his name (I think you meant talking, not taking)! Now I have to wait for twenty-four hours only! Then I shall become the most powerful, most powerful, more powerful than the most powerful (Yes, then she'll be the most powerful, most powerful, most powerful, most powerful....)—capable of controlling Hell, Heaven and Earth all at the same time! I shall become the more powerful than G-o-d even! The cosmos will be in my grasp! Ha! Ha!” she told herself and then got up from her chair (I thought she was stirring the potion!) (with great difficulty after a century) and looked outside the window to see if anyone was spying on her (or she would turn him into a toad) (But their all asleep...you put a sleeping potion on them!).
"Then she again started fantasizing to herself. The witch had not talked to anyone for ages (not even her witch friends), and felt very lonely and that is why her favorite pastime was murmuring to herself (Run-on sentence!!!!!!). “Thanks to those stupid, dim-witted angels that they buried my books and magic stuff. (I think you meant, 'Thanks to those stupid angels for for burying my books and supplies!') And a larger thanks to those devils for telling me the remedy of this potion and for letting me have the pleasure of devouring them! Ha! Ha! Ha! (I want you to ask yourself a question...'Is what I just described important to the story?' If yes, maybe you need to consider beginning the story there. If no, you should leave it out all together. Describing past events through dialogue is not always a good choice, and describing non-important past events is even worse.
"“Oh! I am just so intelligent to outwit them! If only I could have eaten human brains before attacking heaven, we wouldn’t have been punished like that! (That last sentence (the one with the brains)...well, I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me there.) Anyway now I am much more powerful! And I will even have the power of making God my slave!"
Okay, I left out the last portion of the story, as it was the same thing over and over. Looking at the story as a whole these are your biggest problems...
1. The monologue--I understand that you are having the witch mutter to herself in order to inform the reader of what's going wrong. The problem? It's completely ineffective. Yes, it does give us an idea of what is going on, but, in truth, she sounds like a crackpot villain from an old Disney cartoon.
2. Too many adjectives--I know you're trying to describe the scene, but this is something you need to remember in your future writings: adjectives are not the answer. There are millions of other ways to describe a scene without using so many adjectives. (But don't worry, this is a VERY common mistake.)
3. Too many unneeded explanations--Just try to limit the parentheses and the 'becauses', okay? Using a million 'becauses' automatically marks you as an amateur writer with most people.
4. Repeated words--In the beginning, you were using a lot of 'everybodys' and 'nobodys' and 'everyones.' I later found you seemed to be trying to use repitition for effect...but it wasn't taking effect, probably because the sentences with the repeated words were either too spaced out with adjectives and parentheses or contained subjects completly different from one another. Edit your sentences, study other people's writing...that's all I can tell you.
5. Show, don't tell --Look it up, then read good books with this technique used in them. You need to learn about it, and learn to use it.
There are more problems, but I won't go into details. Since you're writing a book, I suggest you begin editing this chapter immediately. I hope this has helped you some.
Happy Writings
wow, spiderfall, excellent critique.
unfortunately, i should inform you that that member is pretty much gone lol.
but i cant wait to see your stuff spiderfall.
Thanks. I'm just new and really, I was just looking for something to do to get started (I haven't written anything out yet). So I thought I'd comment on someone's work while waiting for a good idea. Unfortunately, it seems I went a bit overboard with the critique. I'll try to post some of my work soon.