ooc; No, Cal can come if he wants to. It would be splendid, but whatever happens in the end, happens. I'm not guaranteeing any happy or sad outcome.

((OOC: He really wants to come, but I'm not sure if she'll want him to . . . How about I bring him if no one else posts?))

ooc; Eh, she wants him too, but she doesn't want him to see her broken. It would help her not be so secretive about her emotions. But whenever you want to post, you post, I doubt anyone will come.

My world was dismal. Bleak and grey, I didn't know what else to do but stand there. Tail sniping back and forth with ears seemingly permanently pressed against my skull. Sighing, my head still drooped low, chin nearly touching the ground. Taking a step forward every five minutes or so, my weight switched back and forth. My life had been at it's peak and now it was at the bottom. Gazing my eyes through the semi-tall grass, another momentary sigh passed through my lips. Within the dark depths of my mind, not a single color or shade remained. Call me brain dead or just reality missing, I was still having a fight with myself.

Light. Dark. Whatever the hell I was, I needed to figure it out soon. The blazing ball of fire that I had been able to see every day of my life was starting to fade. A blinding moon rested in the hollows of my eyes, the grey brown shade almost nearly grew. But within moments, I had seen a flicker of rich chestnut. Through the soft dirt I could feel his hooves coming closer and closer to my frame. Seeing his rich colored hues looking at me, masculine voice speaking hello to me. It took only moments to register in my brain that Cal, the one I loved, was speaking to me. It had only been weeks since I had last seen him, said my good bye words to him. And yet, I was speechless. Unable to speak or even open my mouth. Dumbfounded, I only stared at him with my hollow eyes, fright shaking my body.

It felt so good to have his body near mine. Taking in a deep and shuddering breathe, I still could not speak. Standing there, my eyes didn't even leave him. Taking a step forward, I reached my muzzle out, but didn't touch him. I could feel the gap between us, something was definitely missing. Frowning, my look got even sadder. Pulling my head back, My throat clenched tightly, not letting me speak any words. "Hi-Hi. . ." I stuttered quietly, not being able to speak any further. My eyes still stared into his livelier ones.

My ears tilted back as he started to talk. His voice sounded so rapid and forced. I did not like his tone at all and it was clearly shown on my face. Frowning, I let my eyes drop down to my stained black hooves. Letting my dome sway, I didn't want to look back up. "You can never waste my time, Cal." I spoke slowly and softly, not wanting to sound as harsh as he had sounded. Sighing, my muscles moved to bring my head up, staring back into his eyes again. "I miss you too and everyone else." My voice a murmur, barely audible over all the other sounds of the wild.

Would the world grow silent when I made my decision? Would I ever be ready to make a decision? It was only a question I could answer for myself. Heh, it did seem like he was trying to force me to decide. I didn't want to decide right now. I just wanted to stand here and take in every detail, wanted to feel the earth spinning beneath me for once in my life. With my eyes staring right at Cal, I knew I would never be able to lie to him, ever. At the moment, I could ramble on and on about nothing, about my past, the present, and whatever was to come and it wouldn't matter. Because right now, all that mattered was him standing before me.

"I can't say that I have decided anything yet, knowing that I have screwed up a hundred times over." My voice was still a murmur, I didn't want to face facts. Could I ever go back the same? No, I couldn't. Whether I was light or dark, I had to chose something. I had to do something to make things right and stop lying to myself. Yes, I could never lie to Cal, but I could lie to myself so many times and not notice it. "I'm not sure what to decide. I know I love and that I want to be with you, but to be there at the deserts, it doesn't feel right." I started to tremble, my body shaking lightly. Biting at my lower lip, I wasn't going to hold back this time. I let the tears roll, not giving a damn who saw.

"It just doesn't feel right to be at the deserts with her there and it's not right of me to think that either. She was there first, I was there second. I am the one who causes all the trouble, I don't belong there. I may belong with you and our foals, but there at the desert, I do not belong. You and Brego and Calli might, but I do not." I was whispering now, my eyes leaving Cal to look at the grass between our hooves. I wanted to feel his body, wanted to feel his touch, his everything. I just wanted to feel loved again and I did not feel loved now.

I could tell Cal was disappointed that I had yet to make a decision. It wasn't particularly my fault that I couldn't decide. I was confused, lost, scared. Taking in my own shuddering breathes, I saw his shifting movement and step forward. I didn't really like it, flinching away from the sudden movement, but I still let him move closer. Seeing that his eyes had fallen to the ground, I wouldn't let myself do the same. I kept my stare straight forward, trying to be strong.

The words I had spoken had taken the breathe out of me and Cal seemed to still be thinking. My lips did not move, those once soft and smooth lips. All my muscles held still, frozen in place. I could tell how nervous he was and it was making me skittish. All the static energy filling the air around us made my ears lay flat. With brown grey hues staring him down, I still felt like something was missing. I could tell every time Cal looked at me now, he was see my weak and scared side, my timid hormonal side that no one ever saw. Taking another shuddering breathe, his hooves kept moving closer. He was closing in the space between us, the energy growing higher to wear I could feel my coat standing on end.

I was still shaking when he rested his muzzle upon mine. Letting my own eyes closed, I took in his heat against my own cold body. Taking my own step closer, I let only the smallest of smiles show. Just hearing his voice again, saying those three words, made me feel joyous. I was only let down again when he mentioned her. My head shook lightly, I could tell his eyes had opened. But I didn't want to open mine, didn't want to face the truth of knowing I had to answer sooner or later. The movement of his muzzle against mine, wiping away the tears, they still rolled continuously. I couldn't help but feel like collapsing, so close to the edge, all I needed to do was fall over that edge.

I couldn't do it though, standing and just waiting, but I would need a push to collapse. Knowing Cal wouldn't let me, I flashed my eyes opened. "No Cal, I couldn't stay away from the deserts forever. I could never leave you or my children, ever," I paused, sighing quietly before continuing. "My only problem is her, but I know she won't be leaving soon," my voice was still near to silent, I couldn't seem to find my large voice. "To tell you the truth, she scares me with how rude she's been to me. I don't like being around her. She just has that evil aura around her," letting a tremendous shudder roll down my spine, I had let out the truth. Rose scared the living shit out of me.

I saw how surprised Cal looked. And I was shocked. Had he not seen how cruel she's been? Oh wait, the little mare would put on a show, probably. Sneering, I did not like the sound of Cal's voice. How could he not know that she was the one bothering me? Of course, I was not lying and just saying these things to rid of her. It was true and I let another shudder roll down my body when I kept thinking of her. Closing my soft colored eyes, I tilted my head down. I didn't want to say anything, he probably wouldn't believe me.

Sighing, I opened those eyes of mine and looked at Cal. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I just felt utterly horrible for even telling Cal about it. I knew I was betraying Rose by telling Cal how I felt about her, he would never look at the wretch in the same way. But I also knew it was for the best if I did tell him. Torn between my heart and mind, I shook my head. I started to cry again, everything was starting to go wrong, oh so wrong, again. Taking a step away from Cal, I turned my head away. I really didn't want to tell him, but I had to eventually.

Opening my mouth again, my throat tightened. Closing my lips, I shook my head again. It was pointless going on, to keep talking, I would never get my way anyway. "She started that fight over simple teasing, no one does that unless they truly hated someone," I paused for a moment, letting my mind move through things. "Just how she acts toward me, how rude her words are, she has no right to be near any other mares," it is true that I can become very scared, it was all my act of hiding it. Except, this was at the point where I could not be near her without feeling stressed out. I was torn between my own two foals and staying near her. It was ridiculous.

[[So sorry for not replying, been really museless lately.]]

I listened to his words carefully. I processed each letter, word, and sentence. I knew very well what he was talking about and that he was simply talking to himself. Except, I also knew he was talking to me too. Asking himself was also asking me. I don't know why he even cared about Rose anymore. He never asked her for advice on what to do or anything else, it had always been me. It was all because of their foal that she stayed, or that was what it seemed like to me. His mind was something completely different then his heart, it was like that to me.

My heart said to love Cal and stay at the deserts, to completely ignore Rose. My mind said kill Rose off, steal Cal or simply run away and become dark. It was confusing and I was torn between the two. Killing Rose would be an easy task, but Cal would know it was me who did it. He knew how much I loathed that creature and how much I would love to just get rid of her. But I had respect for Cal and his decisions, no matter how much I disliked it. Sighing, I just wanted to be with my family without any problems. "I know what you want isn't much to ask, but it simply isn't meant to be," I mutter quietly, not wanted to make eye contact with him.

Turning my head away, I stood in silence. I thought silently, contemplating Cal's problem and what I could do to help him. An action isn't always the best choice, but it always got something done. "We could, no no no, you wouldn't go for it," I mumbled, rambling in my thoughts. I had so many, I was quite intelligent, it just never got out. Humph, I simply didn't know what to do now. Letting my grey brown hues settle upon the stallion I loved, I could see how torn he was. I felt horrible, disgusted in myself for even falling in love. Sighing, I moved closer to him and rested my chest against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I am trying to think, to help, but I'm stuck," I mumbled against his warm skin. I really didn't know what do now.

Feeling his body still close to mine, I didn't listen to his first words. I didn't know why all this was happening. Perhaps, we would never know; it was just fate. Sighing, I felt him pull away from me. Looking into his eyes with a frown, my body froze. He was leaving me? I listened to his reason with a slight nod of my head. It was a good reason and I was willing to let him depart for the time being. Sighing, I still frowned and felt like crying, but I sucked it up for the moment. Nuzzling him back, I smiled warmly. "I love you too," I whispered and watched my stallion trot away from me. "I hope you do," my voice muttered leaving his shadow in the distance.

Turning my head away from the problem, the world had slowly began to become dark. Twilight was out and the surroundings became oddly quiet. Except for the occasional cricket and the rustle of the grass, not much sound was heard. I chewed at the tall grass around my knees, trying not to think about what could be happening now. Closing my eyes, I savored the bitter sweet taste of those blades and moved forward a bit. Walking slowly, I came across a small stream. Peering into the shallow depths, I examined my facade. It was very odd coloring and I wondered what any stallion would find in my. What if Cal was secretly some hormone controlled stallion that rather had foals then love me?

Snorting the thought away, I sipped at the refreshing water. It would never be true. I knew Cal would never be that kind of male. Lifting my head, I checked around me for any horses coming up to me. My tail lashed around, my senses clearly alert. Tilting my ears back, I went back to eating the grass. The night sky slowly getting darker. I was aware that in this open land, I could easily get raped. But was there any horses nearby to do so? The wind told me that there wasn't, but it could very well be lying to me.

My hooves carried me farther down the stream, I felt cold. Not the kind of chilly cold you get when there is winter. But a cold that ached my heart and made me feel like a monster. It was a horrible feeling and it was eating at my insides. Leaving a frown creasing my muzzle, I lifted my crown higher once more. The hue of my eyes glowed in the sun as my ears twisted back. I listened, scented, anticipated for his return. So far, nothing. Dismally, I lowered my head again and felt like the monster eating at me. Kicking at tufts of grass, a quiver in the ground made me look around in a hurry. Danger? Cal? Stallion? Friend? Letting my nostrils expand, I waited for moments. It was him.

Turning my unnaturally skinny frame to face him, I waited for his embrace. Watching his every slow step with his chestnut pelt seeming more handsome then ever in the fall sun. A warm smile grasped my lips as I shoved the monster away from me. Nothing was going to make me feel back when I was around Cal, unless it had to do with Rose. God, that mare pissed me off. "I can see that," I murmured back, letting his nuzzle me. Pressing my muzzle against his neck for a moment, I pulled back when he looked at my eyes. The worry in his own eyes and how his ears folded back told me I wasn't going to be happy soon.

Letting my smile disappear and the frown to come back, I nodded softly. "It's fine, I have all my life to wait," my voice was only a murmur and no more. I didn't want to ruin the beauty around me with my screeching. "Proposition? From her?" a brow raised as I looked at him in disbalief. The words he spoke made me want to laugh, Rose would never do anything nice to me or say anything to get me to come back. "It probably isn't the solution to all my worries, but that's selfish of me so go ahead, tell me," my head tilted a bit to the side. I was starting to get irritated with Rose. She would do anything to desperately stay with Cal. I would not. Yes, I loved Cal, a lot, but if I wasn't happy with another mare I was not going to comprimise my life just so she and him could be happy together.

ooc; I have no time or whatever to color code and shtuff so I'll probably do that later! And I reply with brego and Justin some time.... So busy! I missed you. (:

[align=center]((OOC: Boy, do I understand THAT! School has been taking over my life!! Band is starting next Monday, and I'm really excited, but it means being away from you guys for a while . . . :( ))

Cal smiled slightly, simply happy to see his dear Belle once more. "Well, you know, I don't think Rose hates you half as much as you think . . ." he murmured, shaking his head. He was worried as to whether his plan would work or not, but this was his last hope. If this plan didn't work, then he didn't know what would. "Well, Rose and I were wondering if you would like to come back to the Deserts if . . . well, if Rose gave up her position as alphess. I know that neither of you have felt comfortable since I had made that decision, so I thought that maybe if I took it back . . ." He trailed away slightly, his eyes sliding to the ground, then back up to Belle's honey-colored hues. He took a breath and continued, "Maybe if Rose wasn't alphess anymore, then you would come back."

Cal was anxious and ready to get back home. He was tired of coming here and wracking his brains for a way to get Belle to come back with him. He missed the days when he could actually be happy and care-free. But he was willing to go through all of these troubles. He was even willing to make his other love, Rose, unhappy - just as long as it meant that Belle stayed.

I became furious. "Her position as Alphaess does not change a damn thing!" I snapped at Cal. I didn't care whether I had Cal with me right now, this little thing didn't change anything! She could still be as rude and scary as when she was Alphaess. "Her being Alphaess had nothing to do with it! You don't get it, do you?" I looked at him with a pleading look. He really didn't understand what my problem was. "I may be strong on the outside, but deep down I'm a scaredy cat. Being around other mares makes me tremble. I am not a herd kind of mare. I had only stayed for that long because I love you Cal. I do not belong in a herd, I am a one horse kind of mare." My head shook slowly as I kept my eyes on Cal. I hated to say it and all, but it was true.

"Rose doesn't give a damn about me anyway," I muttered feeling the tears at my eyes. "Please tell me this, who do you truly love more? Her or me? I don't care what you say, but there is no way that you love both of us equally," I stared him down, I would not let my eyes leave him. My body did begin to tremble. Of I did really care what he said, but I didn't want him to say me just to get me to go back and have her stay. I could not live in a herd, well I could, but not with my love having another love. It was just the kind of mare I am. "I've never felt comfortable from the beginning, my love is all that kept me going," my voice only a whisper as I kept waiting for his answer.

I kept thinking things over and over in my head. I thought about everything. "I miss Brego and Calli so much," my voice whispered again. I finally had to look away from Cal when the tears started to roll. I felt like I needed to collapse at his feet, to tell him to take me home where I would be safe. But I still dreaded going back to where that other mare stood waiting for her own Cal. "All I've ever dreamed of has come crashing down. I've wanted a mate and my own foals before and I got it, but I never thought I would have to share any of it," my words kept tumbling about of my mouth as my knees wobbled. I just wanted this to be all over, I just wanted Rose to be gone, I just wanted to go home. "I've surrendered everything that I've lived for to be with you," those were my last words before I did tumble to the ground. Never heard a single of Cal's words, just my own echoing in my mind.

It had been moments until I fluttered my eyes. Peering up at Cal with fuzzy sight, I flinched. A hungry growled in my stomach and fatigue washed over me. "I'm so stupid," I muttered quickly standing to my hooves and shaking. Glancing back at Cal with a shameful look, I couldn't help but admit defeat next. "You're right, I'm wrong. This has been very foolish of me, I'm sorry." I muttered, letting my eyes avert from his. Taking a step away from Cal, I still couldn't bring myself to look at him. Flicking my tail back and forth, another wave of fatigue crept through me. Wincing, I let a big frown spread across my lips.

"Please, just take me home," I murmured, not wanting to seem defeated. But I was ready to stop arguing, to just accept I had to live and share my stallion with another mare. For now. My mouth twitched at the cruel thought, but I wouldn't let it pass. Stepping farther away, I felt uncomfortable. I felt unloved, lonely, deserted. It was a harsh feeling, one I wasn't used to. I had gone way too deep into love to feel the feeling anymore and now it had resurfaced. The same feeling I had felt years before when I had been exiled from my land. Bad memories, ruined history, bruised egos.

ooc;; Ehh.. no muse! XD

ooc;; Yes, we shall!