Hi guys, I need your expertise!
My English teacher has set us on a 'Creative Writing Journey' and you can write what ever you want, be it short story to novel, fiction to non fiction. I have been working on 2 things, one being an essay, one being a fanfic as I have always wanted to try me hand at them, yet always been to scared. But Im reading back over the bit I've done and it doesn't sound right, its kinda jumpy, could you help? It has, obviuosly, ties to the show, but I've taken some artistic license with the agents personal lifes and things as I don't know much about what they do out of work.
So, I guess, what Im asking is that you could, if you have time, look over the lil' bit that I've done and give me some feedback? I want brutal, honest comments so that I can change it for the better.
Thanks guys for all the help, I will stick another post up here with a the bit of writing I've done in a sec, but I need to make a couple of changes my mum noticed :P
~xJemmax~
Ok here is the lil' bit of my fanfic I hope to get really gd to give in and please, be really honest, want to get it gd!
Also, I kinda stole the beginning from 'Fisher King, Part 1' as i could not think of a begginnig, but that will probable be changed to some other sort of teasing.
Title: I haven't actually thought of one, none are jumping to mind :(
Author: Me ~xJemmax~
Rating: ? Not to sure
Main Charector: Whole team, slightly more Hotch and Jean (my own charector)
Ships: No solid ships, but kinda flirty comments
Summary: Jean Strawson (my own charector) is a mysterious woman, who currently works for the BAU. She has done for 10 years. One day she gets a mysterious note and her stalker horror begins.
“Ok. Yes. Thank you. Goodbye.” She put the phone down with a smile and scribbled down the small bit of information she had gotten and tucked it under her calendar. She smiled, and went back to writing her report.
As Derek Morgan looked at her, he couldn’t help smiling. Finally she was getting a life. She was to pretty to be cooped up in an FBI bureau for the rest of her life. He had been telling her and Elle to go out and find someone for ages, yet they never seemed to listen. She had long, flame red hair, that, when she let it down, gently wafted above her waist and gleamed when the light hit it. Today it was up in a lose knot, which allowed him to see her slender neck. She was wearing a casual jumper shirt and black trousers, something he could imagine her wearing to a restaurant, as well as work. She was wearing red wedge-like shoes, the only bit of colour she wore to work. She had transferred from Texas, her homeland, where she had been working as a lawyer. Other than that, no one really knew much about her. As he sat, watching her, she turned, mid-edit, to look at him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“When you say ‘nothing’ you really mean ‘something’ and when you draw it out like that, it means ‘something big’. Now spill”
“You’re getting some loving. You normally don’t take calls at work, yet, today, you’ve had 3 calls and a couple text messages. So, who is he?” Derek’s face had the biggest grin on it, a sort of smirk-y grin, his ‘I’m just playing’ smile.
“What, so because I’ve had calls and messages, you assume I have a boyfriend? That is so, so weak! Didn’t you just this with Elle a couple of months ago? Am I your new target since Elle threatened to tell all to your date that night? What about you, huh?”
“What about me?”
“Different girl each weekend, lying, getting me to field you’re calls, I do you Christmas shopping for Christ sake, yet I get more than one call which doesn’t end in me having to dash outta here in chase of an unsub, and you think I’m getting love?”
“Who’s getting love?” For once, she was so pleased to see Hotch. Aaron Hotchner, her boss, was so private, yet she knew he was going through some tough times with Haley, something that would have cheered a couple of the girls round here. He was tall, athletically built, dark hair, dark eyes, the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. He and Jean had always got on well, more so now.
“No one, Morgan’s being a…”
“Agent Strawson?” A weedy looking delivery guy was standing at the door to the bullpen, looking both nervous and awed to be in an FBI bureau building.
“I’m Special Agent Strawson, who’s asking?” She stressed on the ‘Special Agent’ just for dramatic effect, just to awe the boy even more, just for fun.
“Oh, er, right, sorry, er, Special Agent, right. I, er, have a package for, er, you.” She bit her lip to try to stop the laugh she could feel and took the package from the trembling hands of the delivery boy.
“Don’t I have to sign something?”
“Oh, yeah, right, the invoice, yeah, I’ll get, hang on.” He was shaking badly, so the process of getting the invoice and holding it out in front of him took a good 5 or 10 minutes.
“Thanks. Here, you, go” she signed it quickly and handed it back with a small smile.
“Just don’t drop it” she said, winking.
“Oh, no, I wont, I’ll put it here, thank you, ‘bye.” He turned, nearly tripping, and exited the bullpen, still shaking.
“Jay, you, are mean!” Elle Greenaway had just entered, and was laughing softly and shaking her head in a jokey, disapproving manner.
“What, I was just playin’ with ‘im” She had quickly struck an innocent face, as though butter wouldn’t melt.
“Hey, drawling in your southern manner is not gonna help ya!” Elle was still laughing as both women made their way back to their desks.
“Yeah, well, you ain’t a bloke, now if you were, you would’ve fallen for it, I swear!”
Still laughing, Jean began to open the package.
“So, Jay, what you doing for Thanksgiving? Im looking forward to it!” Morgan’s voice seemed far away as Jean looked down at the package in her hands.
“Jay? Hey Jay!”
“What’s wrong Jean?” Jean’s head jerked up at the sound of her superior’s voice and smiled quickly.
“Nothing, don’t worry, it’s just a letter.” Hotch did not look impressed.
“Jean, let me see……..Now Jean!” Dammit, she cursed silently, and she reluctantly gave the letter to Hotch and watched as he scrutinized it.
“You call this nothing?” Hotch scolded as he handed it back, glaring at her sternly.
“What’s it say Cruise?” Damn that nickname, one mistake and she had that hanging over her head to haunt her of it. Yet, oddly, it was comforting.
“It says ‘Special Agent Strawson,
Thank you for everything you have done for me, you have made my life worth living again. Your beauty is breathtaking, your intelligence matched by no other, yet every day you pass me by, every day you miss me and turn your attention to someone else. I could make you happy, so happy, yet you ignore me, disrespect me. Never fear though, because I can change your life for the better and I will protect you.
X’ ”
“Sounds like you got a stalker.” Reid had just entered and looked worried at what he had heard.
“I guess that explains….”Quickly she shut up, but not before Hotch had heard her.
“What? What does it explain?”
“It...I thought…It started about a week ago. I got a bow with a teddy in, then a photo frame with my name spelled out in butterflies, and I’ve got chocolates, flowers but never a letter or a note with them. What does he mean ‘I can change your life for the better and I will protect you’?”
“Sounds like he’s gonna start ‘protecting you’ hit man style.” Every one looked up and saw Gideon approach them.
“Why on earth haven’t you told some one?”
“I though…I though it was nothing sir, a harmless prank. If I had known….” She trailed off miserably and looked up at Gideon.
“Fine, did you keep them?”
“Yeah, of course, sir. And anything I couldn’t keep I photographed and documented.”
“Right, everyone, up stairs to the layout room, JJ, get them up on the board, we need to work this guy out before he kills someone.”
Everyone simultaneously dropped what they were working on and started to work they way up the stairs. Entering the layout room, Jean collapsed into a chair and began telling JJ everything she could remember about the gifts, while Morgan tacked the note to the board.
~xJemmax~
Wow, that's so awesome i just wanna keep reading. You need to keep up with the story, I can't wait for the next part!! Keep up the good work, if I had to rate the beginning out of 10, I think I would rate this a 9.5!! :D :D :D
Oh, I'd totally forgotten about this, lol. Yeah, I did finish it, it's confined to my fanfic folder atm lol. I handed in both the story and essay, and got a B for them, so I was please hehe.